This morning I fell in love again. The object of my falling in love was the journalist, novelist and teacher Pico Iyer. I suppose that I should explain that, for me, falling in love in this sense does not mean that I desire the person sexually although I suppose that can be a part of falling in love. It is a sense of being connected to another human being who knows me because he or she has opened the door to knowing themselves. Of course this means I have to take the risk of knowing myself. Falling in love for me is about connection to someone or something. The opposite of connection to me is depression.
I have long defined depression as being disconnected. From my own experience with even mild depression and my talking with and living with those who suffer with DEPRESSION I have long believed that the best description of depression is that it cuts oneself off from oneself, others and the rest of the universe. It is that sense of drowning in nothingness; that sense of having nothing to hold on to. When one is depressed one has no sense of time, color or movement. Depression, as I have often said, feeds only on its own despair and is itself very depressing.
Thus, for me, the opposite of depression is falling in love or being in love. It is that “knowing” that the other person is me and I am that person. Yet, at the very same time there is always the knowing that I have something to learn from that person; that sense that I am meant to learn something from that person.
As the readers of my blog and those who have known me well know, I fall in love pretty regularly. I fall in love with a person, a body of water, the perfect flower (they are all perfect), the sensuality of certain food well prepared and well presented, certain music such as Paul Horn’s “inside”, the jazz music of Reggie Watkins, a Bach Symphony, or the perfect tango. When I fall in love as Pico Iyer would say, “Little jimmy disappears and the whole world comes in.”
Those people with whom I fall in love are those with whom I connect because they are able to say with words, the silence, music, art, or dance what I have been experiencing, but which I may not have been able to express. Sometimes it just feels like a magical validation of the saneness of my seeming insanity.
Not surprising, since yesterday was Sunday, I met Pico Iyer on the NPR program, On Being with Krista Tippett. As I listened my first thought was that his voice was present without being forcefully present. Here is a man who lives in Japan, spends significant periods of time in a Benedictine hermitage every year, was raised by two philosophy professors, has written about the Dali Lama, loves Thomas Merton and is still learning to listen. It seem appropriate that his most recent book is entitled The Art of Stillness. Stillness for me could also be called negative space.
I have previously written about negative space which can be the space between the depicted objects in a painting, the space between the notes of music, the space between the spoken works or the space which outlines the magnificent cherry blossoms of the spring. Mr. Iyer talks about the “urgency of slowing down” or the fact that in Japan where he does not read or speak the language he is forced to listen. That space in which he is listening to what is not being said is what I am calling the negative space.
It is in this space that I am able to fall in love. When I am in love I want to just sit at the feet or even across from someone at my favorite coffee shop or next to someone while watching the sea and “listen”. I often do not want to talk, but I am very happy if the other person wants to share. I am, in other words, totally selfish and wanting to absorb the rich spirituality of the other person. Of course connecting with their rich spirituality helps to connect me to that same place within myself.
The last person I fell in love with was Jean Vanier about whom I wrote last Monday. Another person I fell in love with recently or with whom I am still falling in love is Adel, the imam of the local Mosque and who I know has much to teach me about spirituality. I sense that he is also a very spiritual man with whom I feel a strong connection.
I was interested in the reminder by Pico Iyer that the Dali Lama encourages folks to continue to search within the religious framework in which they were raised or which is their heritage. Both the Dali Lama and Peco Iyer talk about religion as the cup or the framework in which we live but which does not imprison us (my words) or hold the essence.
This morning I did not attend a church service. In fact I have missed several Sundays recently. When I attend I frequently attend a Christian service because that is the framework of my heritage. At the same time, I never feel “at home” in the Christian church. In fact I have never felt at home in a temple, a mosque, a church, or a setting such as the Unitarian church which is very inclusive. I do feel at home with certain people who come out of various traditions. I could sit with my former friend Sid, my Tlingit Indian teacher David, my friend Monsignor Kevin, with Jean Vanier (only in his writings), Pema Chodron, with Adel, with many long time friends, and now with Pico and just “listen” to the wisdom of their silence or the space between their words. I am most comfortable when I do not feel the pressure of a conversation and just allow myself to enjoy being in love.
I was talking with a friend this morning who was saying that he was worn out because he has so much to do. It is true that he has a busy job, is taking one college class, is in a relationship, is trying to be a good son and friend, and is working a recovery program. It is also true that, as if often true for many of we humans, he avoids setting priorities, tries to please everyone and then gets too tired or put upon to do the essentials. He then tells himself that he is depressed, that perhaps he cannot do his job and should quit, or that he should take some other drastic action which would lead to new stress and a new sense of disappointment. This would, in turn, leave him more exhausted and depressed. I am sure, given his history, that some doctor would be happy to then increase his anti-depressant medication. I suggested that he take the risk of setting some priorities and accept that he is not going to make everyone happy all the time. Once he sets priorities he can focus on those tasks. My guess is that he will be less exhausted, be more rooted in his recovery and feel a sense of connection with himself and his higher power.
Of course, as is always the case, this man is, in many respects, a mirror of/for me. It is very easy for me to get busy with very important tasks I have decided must get done. I have found that the more I want to avoid the immediate discomfort of being with myself, the busier I get. I can also just feel so exhausted that I have to take a nap. I “know” I just need to stop and be patient until I again feel connected. I need to be present enough to fall in love again.
Pico Iyer states, as have many wise people, that if we neglect the inner life we neglect the outer life. This results in us having nothing to give.
I envision Pico as this very ordinary man with whom I could enjoy being present without having to talk or perform; someone with whom I could play on the beach or in the playground or …
I do know that falling in love is like collecting pieces of myself – experiencing the best of me as it is mirrored in some others. It is great fun. I expect to keep falling in love and each time being as excited as a small child discovering something for the very first time.
I am sometimes reminded that I sometimes need to “tone it down”. I can easily get so caught up with being in love that I overwhelm or make people uncomfortable with my effusive affection. I am reminded of a story I heard about the famous conductor, Leonard Bernstein. He had been granted an audience with the then Pope and a friend was reminding him how to behave. Maestro Bernstein was also known to be very effusively affectionate. The person preparing him for the audience with the pope said to him, “Maestr, the ring. Kiss the ring. Not the lips.”
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